Monday, October 15
Dear Reader(s),
Back when Sisters Joanne Kollasch and Lynne Smith were in the process of discerning with me about becoming a Sojourner, I suggested that I should keep a journal as part of my three-month monastic experience.
At the time of that well intended suggestion, I was envisioning myself being rested, relaxed and in a reflective state of mind. I imagined that I would be sitting serenely in some sunny corner of Bingen House with my journal in front of me and a pen in hand. I pictured having time to freely open my mind, spread out what I found there, and then arrange the contents into poignant and winsome prose. These musings would then become letters from my languid heart to God’s indulgent ears—the kind of rambly, reflective writing I have often done on personal retreats. Journaling as a spiritual discipline helps to process feelings and record insights, so it seemed like a perfect fit for a Benedictine Sojourner. I had every intention of starting my journal at the very beginning of my journey, with Day One on Page One, and keeping a daily record of my experiences.
However, my first days and weeks as a Sojourner did not go quite as I had imagined them. Even though this is Page One, today is actually Day Two of Week Five, and while I’ve made a couple of very brief, sporadic entries, this is the first time I’ve been able to justify doing this instead of something else. In reality, my early weeks of Sojourning did not contain many of the writing-love-letters-to-God scenarios I’d been fantasizing about. As it turned out, the process of packing my belongings, leaving my son, his domestic partner, her two children, and their cats in charge of my townhouse, moving myself in to Bingen House to live with three women I’ve only known peripherally, and then learning the customs and expectations that accompany life in a monastic community, took up all of my personal bandwidth. Resting, not writing, became my primary leisure activity.
And that was just the weekend. Starting on Monday (Day Three), it was time to blend my full time job as Foundation Project Manager for the Benedictine Life Foundation—where we were gearing up for Prairie Rhapsody, one of the most important fundraising events of the year—with daily monastic rituals, routines and duties of monastery hospitality. It made for some long days, starting with Centering Prayer at 7:35 am, and often ending with kitchen clean up until around 7:00 pm.
In between, there were a number of new challenges, like leading the Liturgy of the Hours, attending Chapter meetings, and completing readings for Community Conversations and Liturgy classes. And since I had not yet established a daily rhythm or routine, I was like a bee in a bottle, manically buzzing and bumping all over the place, unable to land anywhere or relax when I might have, and not sleeping very well either.
It was exhausting, but at the same time really exhilarating. It may sound like I’m complaining, but that’s not my intention at all. I have been looking forward to this opportunity for some time now and everything I’m doing feels satisfying and meaningful. It is a bit like taking a gigantic bite of something you like to eat. It’s difficult to chew and swallow it all at once, but it still tastes good. I’ve taken an extra big helping of this new way of life, and processing it all has definitely been a challenge. But, even for all of that, I feel good… tired, but good. I feel as if I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to do. I’m not sure I would change anything about my first few weeks—except, perhaps, my own unrealistic expectations.
So, today is Monday of Week Five, and my combined Sojourner/Project Manager schedule has continued at a fierce pace, but I’m getting the hang of it. I’ve had some days off for rest and retreat, and I am feeling more centered and relaxed. So now, finally I have a few moments to share some reflective thoughts in what has now become a monthly blog instead of a daily journal. I have let go of my lazy-letters-to-God fantasy. And that’s okay. This whole Sojourner experience is about change and about being open to a different way of life requires a major shift in priorities. Until four weeks ago, most of my adulthood has been spent looking for ways to fit God into my plans. But now, I’ve signed on to discover where I fit into God’s plans. The words surrender, humility, trust, sacrifice and ego are coming up a lot for me right now.
In the past, I would come to Holy Wisdom (when I started it was still St. Benedict Center) for personal retreats. In those days, it was kind of like making plans to meet an old friend for a weekend of bonding and renewal. I loved it! It was easy and restful. For those few hours, God had my undivided attention. But then it would be over, I’d say good-bye to the monastery and go back to my busy, busy life. My relationship with the Source of All Being got re-relegated to whatever space was left after pastoring my congration and caring for my family.
I wasn’t entirely prepared for the ways that being a Sojourner would be different from those retreat days. But now that I’m here, it makes sense. This is not a holiday. I am attempting a contemplative monastic life, one that puts my faith first before anything else—all day, every day. I am waiting to see if this is truly my fulltime calling. Thus far, it has not been easy or restful, but for the time being, I am willing to trade ease and rest for joy and anticipation.