As we choose spiritual practices for Lent, we might consider the practice of lectio divina, the prayerful reading of Scripture. (See part 1) This slow reflective reading may be done alone or within a group.

The method of lectio divina is often referred to as fourfold: lectio (reading the text), meditatio (reflecting and meditating on the text), oratio (praying from the text) and contemplatio (deep contemplation of the text).

“Reading as it were, puts food whole into the mouth, meditation chews it and breaks it up, prayer extracts its flavor, contemplation is the sweetness itself which gladdens and refreshes.” (Guigo II, Twelfth century monk)

Lectio—Reading

This kind of reading is slow and reflective, focused on absorbing the word itself in a reflective manner. St. Ambrose writes that calm, slow reading enkindles the ardor of prayer.

When doing lectio with a group, it is good to read through a short passage slowly several times, then allow time for silence. Then people in the group say one word or one phrase that struck them. An atmosphere of quiet, calm and peace is important.

Meditatio—Meditation, Reflection

The purpose of meditation is to assimilate the word of God, to allow it to become more and more a part of our hearts. The Jewish theologian and philosopher Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote, “To meditate is to know how to stand still and to dwell upon a word!” In reading the word of God there can be one word or phrase that moves our heart. At the visit of the shepherds at Bethlehem, “Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19)

Whatever speaks to the heart moves us to wonder, think and pray.

Oratio—Prayer

“Prayer is best understood as a dialogue or conversation between God and a person. The ancient practice of lectio takes for granted that we begin by first listening to God speak to us, then after we hear God speak, we respond; sometimes with a word of thanking and blessing God for divine goodness to us…other times with an acknowledgement of our weakness.” (Abbot Gregory Polan, OSB)

Abbot Gregory continues: “What has the sacred word said to me about growing deeper into the life of Christ? What has it said about a more authentic love of my neighbor? Of what has it accused me and called me to personal conversion?”

God’s word begins to call forth from us a reply.

Contemplatio—Contemplation

“Be still before the Lord and wait in patience.” (Psalm 37:7) Reflection on God’s word will lead us to a posture of peace before God. “Contemplation is a movement from darkness to light, from slavery to freedom, from doubt to belief, from uncertainty to hope.” (Abbot Gregory)

Reading a passage from Scripture in a slow reflective manner can be a practice for encountering the mystery of God in the Scriptures.

I close with a favorite prayer, Psalm 23; perhaps you would like to use it for lectio.

The Lord is my shepherd;
There is nothing I shall want.
Fresh and green are the pastures
Where he gives me repose.
Near restful waters he leads me,
To revive my drooping spirit.

He guides me along the right path;
He is true to his name.
If I should walk in the valley of darkness
No evil would I fear.
You are there with your crook and your staff;
With these you give me comfort.

You have prepared a banquet for me
In the sight of my foes.
My head you have anointed with oil,
My cup is overflowing.
Surely goodness and kindness shall follow me
all the days of my life.
In the Lord’s own house shall I dwell
For ever and ever.

Abbot Jerome Kodell, OSB is a retired abbot of New Subiaco Abbey, Subiaco, AR

Abbot Gregory Polan, OSB is Abbot Primate of the Benedictine Order and resides in Rome

We hope you enjoyed this Benedictine Reflection. Learn more about the sisters’ mission and the Year of Beauty by clicking the button below.

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During Lent it may help to have a prayer in your pocket. One that you can pull out on a moment’s notice. 

A prayer I keep close at hand, and “at heart” is Psalm 23, “A Prayer of David,” commonly called “The Good Shepherd Psalm.” This psalm can become a spiritual resource especially if it arises from the practice of lectio divina. 

Lectio divina literally means divine or holy reading. This is a way of putting on the mind of God. By absorbing the Word of God we let the divine scripture penetrate deeply so that we may be transformed by divine grace…(Abbott Jerome Kodell, OSB) One can ponder the Christian meaning of this psalm from the perspective of John’s Gospel: the Good Shepherd who gives his life for his sheep. (John 10) 

Lectio divina is associated with those who follow The Rule of St. Benedict. However, this practice of reading and praying the Word of God has begun to find a place in the spirituality of many people desirous of reading the Scripture in a reflective and prayerful way. Entire books are now written on the topic along with many articles in periodicals. 

The practice of lectio divina is best done in an environment of silence. (It helps to turn off communication media.) The writings of the major religious traditions emphasize the necessity of silence for coming into communion with God, with the sacred and with oneself. 

The desert was perhaps the earliest place of lectio divina. One can imagine St. Benedict in his cave with the sacred scriptures as his lectio. Today the monk’s cell could be the place. We need a space to listen attentively to the voice of God speaking to us through the divine word. 

The first word of The Rule of St. Benedict is the command to listen. St. Benedict specifies and denotes times during the day for the practice of holy reading and the practice of listening to the Word of God.  This reading and listening to the divine word has the formative effect of awakening in the heart the divine presence which can speak to a person at any moment and in any situation. (Abbot J Polan, OSB)  After reflecting on a passage from scripture it is common for a person to have that portion or word of scripture return to the mind and heart during the day. 

Part two of this article explains the “method” for lectio divina, along with my favorite translation of Psalm 23 the Good Shephard Psalm. Click here to read part two.

We hope you enjoyed this Benedictine Reflection. Learn more about the sisters’ mission and the Year of Beauty by clicking the button below.

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The sisters recently recorded a conversation about the importance of learning in Benedictine life. The video will be posted later this year on Facebook as part of our video series. Because it is such a rich topic, I decided to share it here.

The title of this blog comes from the name of a book by Jean Leclercq, OSB, a French Benedictine monk who lived from 1911 – 1993. He spent his monastic life at Clervaux Abbey in Luxembourg. His most well-known work is entitled The Love of Learning and the Desire for God: A Study of Monastic Culture. It is a study of medieval monastic culture. In his chapter on learning, Leclercq writes that the sources of monastic life are Scripture, the patristics (a branch of theology dealing with the teachings of the church fathers), and classical literature and the liturgy is the medium through which these are received (p. 87).

One reason learning is important in Benedictine life is because we need to know the roots from which it springs and the wisdom of those who have lived this way before us. We start with the Rule of Benedict, but in his last chapter, Benedict tells us that this little Rule is only a beginning. He refers its followers to the scriptures, writings of John Cassian, The Lives of the Fathers and the Rule of Basil. This is just a representative list of what must have been read in his monasteries.

Benedict provides ample time for reading each day. Monks heard the Scriptures read at the daily office seven times a day. Meals were accompanied by reading. Benedict allotted time after the main meal to lie on one’s bed and read. The monks of his time did not all read, but their days were filled with many opportunities to meditate on the word read. As monasteries evolved, they included scriptoria where monks copied the books that were so important to their spiritual growth. Today all Benedictine monasteries have libraries, and we have access to documents and teaching online. As sisters a good portion of our leisure time is meant for reading.

A second reason learning is important in a Benedictine monastery is for service. Learning is important not just for its own sake, but in order to serve others. At Holy Wisdom Monastery, women who come to the sisters’ community are offered the opportunity to attend school and other programs to study something that will benefit their life and work in the community. I was given the opportunity to get a degree in monastic studies at St. John’s School of Theology when I was first professed. This prepared me to teach the monastic tradition to women joining the community. My study also provides me with the background to lead retreats and share the tradition with others.

Benedictine study is not just amassing head-knowledge. Benedictine learning forms both the head and the heart. Reflection on one’s experience is an important and necessary part of this formation. We ask: What does this mean in my life? How does this resonate with my experience? How does this change me? Leclercq writes “Monastic commentary [on scripture] is addressed to the whole being; its aim is to touch the heart rather than to instruct the mind.” (p. 107)

Thirdly, and perhaps most important, learning is important in Benedictine life because this life is aimed at seeking God. Self-knowledge and knowledge of God are intimately related. I cannot know God without knowing myself and vice versa. God has revealed the divine self through all of creation. So the reflective study of any part of creation, including ourselves, helps us come to know the mystery of God more deeply.

One of the Hebrew words for knowing, yada, refers to a personal and intimate knowing as between lovers. This is the kind of knowing to which Benedictines aspire. In learning about and reflecting on our relationships with our sisters, ourselves, our God, other people, God’s creation, we come to love them more deeply.

One of the things that drew me to Benedictine life was the learning and growth that it promised. After a couple of years, I joked, “I didn’t know how much I needed to grow.” The early years in monastic life are sometimes difficult because we learn things about ourselves that we might not want to acknowledge. Our notions of God will also be expanded and the learning is often hard-won because it calls for a transformation of my heart. Benedict describes this path in the prologue when he writes about the monastery as “a school for God’s service.”

In the guidance we lay down to achieve this, we hope to impose nothing harsh or burdensome. If, however, you find in it anything which seems rather strict, but which is demanded reasonably for the correction of vice or the preservation of love, do not let that frighten you into fleeing from the way of salvation; it is a way which is bound to seem narrow to start with. But, as we progress in this monastic way of life and faith, our hearts will warm to its vision, and with a love full of delight that cannot be put into words, we shall go forward on the way of God’s commandments.

Ultimately, Benedictine learning is oriented toward loving and cherishing all that God has made.

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A couple weeks ago when we had snow on a Sunday morning, I got up early to plow the driveways at home. The snow blower on the tractor wasn’t working properly so it took longer than usual. I saw the problem, but couldn’t fix it myself especially in single digit temperatures in the dark of pre-dawn. I made a mental note to contact Paul, our groundskeeper, to see if he could fix the trouble on Monday so it would be ready for the next snow.

Later that morning at the monastery, before Sunday Assembly, someone told me of a friend who wouldn’t be there unless the plows happened to come by early to clear her street. Apparently, she lives on a street that is not a priority for plowing. As people slowly gathered for the Eucharist, I began to think of all the people who had served us by plowing or maintaining our vehicles in order for us to be able to come together to worship. I gave thanks for all the city and county workers and all the private plowers who were out early working in the cold and dark serving us.

My morning experiences made me aware that we live as part of a vast network of service. We aren’t always aware of this network because much of the time we think we are living self-sufficiently. In the middle and upper class, at least, we can pretty much take care of our needs. If we need food, we go to the store or to the garden. If we need gas for the car, we go to the filling station. If we are ill, we go to the doctor and take care of ourselves. We take for granted all the people who work behind the scenes to provide the food for the store, to staff and maintain the filling station and all those people involved in the health care system. We are no more self-sufficient than the poor whose dependence on the service of others can’t be hidden.

Benedict writes: “Monastics should serve one another.” (Rule of Benedict 35:1) Table service is a simple example of this. Benedict lays out many aspects of service in the monastery beginning with the prioress who serves each member according to her temperament. Then he provides assistance for the prioress through the sub-prioress and the deans. The porter is the first to serve the guests who come. The cellarer or business manager provides for the community’s physical needs. Those who lead prayer, the readers and cantors, the infirmarians and those who work with new comers serve the community. No one escapes this vast web of service. Even the servers are to be served and given assistance when they need it.

All of this service is sacred and to be done with reverence. When the kitchen servers begin their service for the week they recite the same verse with which prayer begins in the oratory: “O God, come to my assistance; O God make haste to help me.” Service is seen as a form of prayer, a way of seeking God in a Benedictine community. I give thanks for the ways I can serve and for those who serve me.

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I recently came across one definition that seems simple and helpful. It doesn’t say everything, yet it is a place to start. Charles Vogl, in his article, “Behind every strong leader is a strong community,” defines community as: “a group of people who share mutual concern for one another’s welfare. A group may call itself a community but if members are really only looking out for themselves, they’re just a group….A real community is comprised of relationships that are effective and resilient. These relationships can then in turn lead to profound change, however you define it.”

Benedict’s Rule is all about how to live well together in community. Chapter 72 on the good zeal of monastics paints a picture of effective and resilient relationships. He recommends showing respect, patiently supporting one another’s weaknesses, mutual obedience, pursuing what one judges better for the other, and love. Elsewhere, Benedict emphasizes listening, prayer, humility, forgiveness, trusting in God’s mercy, perseverance. Benedict is a realist. He knows building community is hard and demanding work that hollows each of us out to make more room for the love of God to work within and among us. It’s not for the faint-hearted, but its fruits are life-giving change–something Benedict called conversatio or conversion of life.

Oblate gatherings provide time to catch up and renew friendships

A large part of the work we sisters do at the monastery is building community–among ourselves, within and among the communities at the monastery such as the coworkers, oblates, Sunday Assembly, Friends of Wisdom Prairie. Sharing prayer, meals and conversation, working together, rubbing up against each other and staying connected through conflict to resolution, coming to deeper self-knowledge and respect for each other are building blocks of community.

At our February, 2017 oblate retreat, the oblates and sisters experienced a sense of community especially during our Sunday morning conversation time. Throughout the weekend Sisters Rosy, Joanne and I shared our personal reflections on what it means to seek God in the Benedictine way.  On Sunday the oblates spoke about their own experiences. The comments built upon each other and took us deeper, bringing to light another angle, another consideration. Together we built up a sense of mutual understanding, care and connection. The retreat ended with a time of prayer for the needs and concerns the oblates and sisters expressed. We left feeling more whole and connected to ourselves, God and one another. That’s what community can do for us when it is lived well. It is community that sustains us into the future.

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Our oblate community is open to women and men of all ages. More information is available on our website: Oblates of Holy Wisdom.

If you are a single Christian woman, 21-50, interesting in experiencing a taste of community, and of the following retreats led by the sisters here at Holy Wisdom can provide the time and opportunity to enter into community with others in a safe space. Follow links to more information on our website:

Holy Week Retreat – April 13-16, 2017

A Day Away retreat  (next retreat:  May 6, 2017)

Exploring Benedictine Community   (next retreat:  June 2-4, 2017)

Consider giving yourself the gift of a community experience at Holy Wisdom!

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What kind of leadership is called for in these times?

Several recent experiences come together to shape an answer to this question:

• The uneasy transition to new national leadership in our country
• A book shared by Maureen Van Dinter, a member of our Benedictine Women of Madison Board of Directors at a recent board meeting, titled The Servant Leader, by Blanchard and Hodges
• The recent publication of a Joint Letter to President Trump from the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR) and the Conference of Major Superiors of Men (CMSM)
• The recent Statement by Major Christian Organizations on President-Elect Trump’s Policy Agenda and Political Appointments, posted by the National Council of Churches

And, closer to home:

• Joan Chittister’s The Rule of Benedict: A Spirituality for the 21st Century. In our sisters’ daily chapter meetings we have been reading from Joan’s commentary on Chapter 2 of the Rule, “The Qualities of the Abbot or Prioress.”

How do these many sources, and in particular our Benedictine values, speak to the kind of leadership that is called for in these times?

In their joint letter, the LCWR and CMSM reflect on the way they see leadership. Their statements resonate with the way we understand leadership as Benedictines:

• “The gift of leadership is given to American leaders by the ‘Right of the People.’”

Leadership arises from within a community; leaders are lifted up by the people. In a Benedictine community a leader is discerned and elected and then is supported in leadership by the entire community. Each community member shares in the responsibility of leadership by doing her part.

• “We and the members of our communities seek to be instruments of the reconciliation our people urgently need.”

Reconciliation is one of the calls of the Gospel. We seek to follow that call here at Holy Wisdom Monastery in the light of Jesus’ prayer in the Gospel of John, “that all may be one.” Reconciliation is what we are working on and moving toward, so how do we use our leadership for reconciliation rather than division?

• “We will actively work for the preservation of the dignity of all…”

From a Benedictine perspective, we live this out every day as we seek to receive all as Christ.

• “As religious leaders, we are committed to contemplative prayer which compels us to take a long, loving look at what is real, to name its truth and to respond lovingly to its call through our service and leadership. We write today from this contemplative space, immersed in the Gospel call for all of us to grow in unity, peace, dialogue, and ultimately, conversion to the Reign of God.” 

We see leadership as service—servant leadership. In Benedictine community life we serve the growth and freedom of one another by helping others recognize their gifts and by calling others to give their gifts. By sharing all our gifts we raise the whole as well as individual people.

Benedict also has a long chapter on “Humility” which informs leadership and community life. Servant leadership is not power over but power with others. We are all called to conversion toward more freedom in Christ and in our love for all.

Demetrius Dumm, OSB, asks a question with clear implications for leadership: “Were you a gift in the lives of others, helping them to grow, to feel forgiven, to find consolation and to become a source of goodness and freedom for ourselves?”  (Praying the Scriptures, p. 51)

The application of these ideals is our everyday and ongoing work. In the spirit of Benedict, God waits for us all to translate these teachings into action. (Prologue to the Rule of Benedict)

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Read other blog posts in Lynne’s series, Building Community.

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“… all our lives we are faced with the task of reconciling opposites which, in logical thought, cannot be reconciled… How can one reconcile the demands of freedom and discipline in education? Countless mothers and teachers, in fact, do it, but no one can write down a solution. They do it by bringing into the situation a force that belongs to a higher level where opposites are transcended—the power of love… Divergent problems, as it were, force us to strain ourselves to a level above ourselves; they demand, and they provoke the supply of, forces from a higher level, thus bringing love, beauty, goodness and truth into our lives. It is only with the help of these higher forces that the opposites can be reconciled in the living situation.” – E.F. Schumacher (quoted in Weavings: A Journal of the Christian Spiritual Life, Vol XXIV:2 March/April 2009, p. 29)

In many ways, Benedictine life is built on this creative tension of opposites. Perhaps that is why, when lived well, monastic life brings people to integration. As Benedictines, we promise both stability and conversion of life, an openness to continual change. We are called to balance the needs of the individual with the needs of the community.

In the Liturgy of Hours, we honor God’s presence in the community and in one another with a bow.

In the Rule of Benedict, Chapter 72, Benedict writes: “No monastics are to pursue what they judge better for themselves, but instead, what they judge better for someone else.” Benedictine life is ordered around the structure of common prayer, common meals, set times for work and leisure, and each sister is called to find her inner freedom within that structure. Leadership, as Benedict envisions it, combines two opposite modes of relationships: obedience to the abbot or prioress, and mutual obedience and service among the monks one to another. You who live outside the monastery know that these or similar tensions exist in marriage and work life as well.

Schumacher says that it is precisely by holding both sides of these tensions together that we mature and deepen in life. It is much easier for any of us to come down on one side of the tension or the other. It is easier to say, “I’ll have it my way,” than to bend my will to a larger good such as the care of children or what ultimately serves the greater good for all.

What I know from living Benedictine life is that, as Schumacher says, we need those “forces from a higher level, thus bringing love, beauty, goodness and truth into our lives” to hold the tension. Benedict writes: “Among themselves, they show the pure love of sisters and brothers; to God, reverent love; to their prioress or abbot, unfeigned and humble love.” (Rule of Benedict, Chapter 72) It is this love, God’s love, that helps us stay in the tension until it yields life.

The character of Rose Maxson in the film Fences illustrates this beautifully. With great struggle, she holds in tension her dreams for herself and the needs of her family, what is good for her and what is better for another. Holding these tensions demands and calls forth great love and truth in her life. Holding the tension comes at a cost. But by the end of the film, we see the depth of spirit and generativity that her life makes possible.

The cross is the symbol in the Christian faith for holding the tension of opposites: divine and human life; obedience and freedom, love and suffering. The resurrection reveals the mystery of life that arises from holding fast to this creative tension and calling forth the higher forces of love, beauty, goodness and truth.

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Read other blog posts in Lynne’s series, Building Community.

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Lynne Smith, Paz Vital, Denise West and Rosy Kandathil celebrating Rosy’s 40th birthday with deep-dish pizza in Chicago

I was turning 40. There was no avoiding it, but for the weeks leading up to my birthday I tried not to indulge a creeping sense of dread. Although I could laugh over the prospect of having to check the “40 and over” survey box, I also felt anxious about crossing a threshold into middle age.

There is something about milestones that force reflection, self-assessment, and in my case—mild depression. What had I accomplished with my life? I would be turning 40 at a monastery, with nothing to my name. All the accomplishments of a legal career built during my 20s and 30s, seemingly abandoned. No property, no husband and children, no bank account to claim. Everything I owned had been dutifully (and symbolically) signed away on the altar at my first monastic profession. Saint Benedict even required a recognition from every prospective monk that, from the moment of profession on, their very body was no longer only their own to command but belonged to the community (Rule of Benedict 58)!

After another round of final exams at Saint John’s University and an enervating election season, I was depleted, eager to come home to my community, return to our prayers and recharge. I did not want to think about the future. I knew that I needed an Advent in my life—in more ways than one. Thankfully, the liturgical seasons of Advent and Christmas, the beginning of a New Year, and the experience of returning once more to the rituals of celebration in this community of faith, have helped to restore my sense of balance, hope and gratitude.

It is easy for me to feel overwhelmed, but one of the many benefits of living at a monastery is that I am surrounded by others who have successfully made the transition into what Richard Rohr (in Falling Upward) has called “the second half” of their life. Whether they are retreatants, Oblates, Sunday Assembly members or the community of sisters that I live and pray with every day, they model an integrated spirituality that serves to revive my own imagination about the gifts of aging well. I need this kind of renewal, because so often I find myself taken in by the cult of youthfulness and a paralyzing nostalgia for the past. Although, on a basic level, I know that self-worth cannot be founded on the illusory ground of any career, wealth, property or particular relationship, it’s easy for me to forget.

Christmas dinner selfie: Rosy Kandathil, Camille West, Paz vital, Joanne Kollasch, Denise West, Lynne Smith, Mary David Walgenbach

The seasons of Advent and Christmas speak honestly of a profound and mysterious darkness surrounding the dawning of God among us. I don’t always recognize Christ in the immediate circumstances of my life. But this year, I found myself looking around me at the community of wise and graceful people that make their spiritual home at Holy Wisdom Monastery. Instead of running away from the task of aging well, I decided to mine the riches of my environment by seeking guidance on how to approach my forties with wisdom, grace, and a sense of adventure. Here’s just a sampling of answers to the question I started asking of folks around here: what advice would you give someone approaching their forties? 

• Develop a good relationship with your body. Take good care of it, invest in its care. Go to the doctor. Your body will thank you for it in the years to come.
• Appreciate your skin!
• Celebrate being healthy and all the things your body can do now. Don’t waste time thinking about getting old.
• Your forties are about integration. After having accomplished those outward things in your 20s and 30s, your 40s are an invitation to go inward and deepen, if you allow it.
• Your forties are about self-acceptance. You aren’t as concerned about what people think.
• Enjoy it all: my forties were my best years!

And one woman simply offered me this quote by e.e. cummings:

“It takes courage to grow up and to be who you really are.”

Is there anything else you would add to this list? Please share your wisdom as a comment to this blog post.

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Read other blog posts from Sister Rosy in her series, Letters home.

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The sisters have been reading Joan Chittister’s commentary on the Rule of Benedict at our morning chapter meetings for the past several weeks. I’ve been thinking about the perspective on life that the Rule offers, especially compared to the tone of the current debates going on in this country.

A few days ago, we read chapter 70 of the Rule: “The Presumption of Striking Another Monastic at Will.” The title gives me pause. One might assume that a monastery would be the last place for fisticuffs. However, Benedict must have experienced this problem in his monastery. Otherwise, there would be no need for this chapter.

It appears that Benedict is not thinking primarily about fistfights. Here is the line that caught my attention:

“If any member, without the command of the abbot or prioress, assumes any power over those older or, even in regard to the young, flares up and treats them unreasonably, let that one be subjected to the discipline of the rule.”

This is not just about hitting someone but about letting our anger or our sense of authority get the best of us. It’s been a long time since I’ve hit anyone. But I do occasionally flare up and treat the person in front of me unreasonably. In our culture, where it seems increasingly acceptable to flare up and demean another or let one’s anger/fear/authority take one so far as to strike or kill another, we need the perspective of the Rule.

Joan writes in her commentary: “Benedict simply does not allow a culture of violence. Benedictine spirituality depended on personal commitment and community support, not on intimidation and brutality.”

This perspective could be helpful in our own day. It is easy to get caught up in a culture of flaring up at one another because it feels good to let off steam or to exert my authority over another. But that tears at the fabric of society. When I am triggered by something and feel the inclination to flare up at someone, it is helpful to step back and get some perspective on the situation.

Taking time to look up into the trees at Holy Wisdom can offer a new perspective

The practice of centering prayer, meditation or mindfulness, aids in the ability to observe one’s reactions and step back before deciding how to respond. Making a retreat, sitting by the lake, walking through the prairie or the woods or going to the top of the hill to look out over the city where one lives can provide another viewpoint on life.

Benedictine life puts an emphasis on community and interdependence. Each member of the community is responsible for the life and health of the whole. We are encouraged to take into account the other’s perspective and consider what is best for her or him. This attitude of personal commitment and community support could contribute to a building up of the common good today.

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Read other blog posts in Lynne’s series, Building Community.

Read other Living in Community blog posts, by various community members.

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Click on image above to view Lessons from the Monastery, Rosy Kandathil’s entire conversation with Pete Scazzero – recorded at and by New Life Fellowship, New York City

I had just finished an interview with Pastor Pete Scazzero at New Life Fellowship church in New York City, where I’d been a member for nine years before coming to Holy Wisdom Monastery. My life at the monastery remained a mystery to many of the people I served at the church, people I still cared deeply about. I hoped that my answers might help bridge the gap for this busy urban church where monastic life might as well be torn from the pages of a medieval history book.

As I looked into this earnest young woman’s face, I wondered how I should address her question. How do I experience intimacy as a celibate?  “It isn’t easy,” I admitted. “But I suspect that real intimacy is difficult for everyone. Every person experiences intimacy and fulfillment in different ways. There’s a lot of negotiating in a loving relationship. Although I don’t engage in sexual intimacy as a celibate, I still want and need intimate friendships. Relationships in which I can be my whole self and experience another person in their wholeness—warts and all.”  I paused for a moment before I added with a grin, “It’s work. But there’s a lot of joy in it, if it fits.”

The woman’s question stayed with me, and reminds me just how strange my current way of life must seem to others. As we talked together afterwards, she shared about her recent break-up and her own struggle to find intimacy. Among singles, there are so few who model what a healthy, engaged sexuality looks like. What we see in movies and television hardly serves to inspire authentically intimate relationships. Although most thoughtful people realize that more sex does not equate to more intimacy, it’s not always clear what does lead to fulfilling, satisfying relationships. Celibacy certainly does not seem a realistic or healthy alternative. It looks like a cutting off, a teeth-gritting denial of our deepest human needs and desires.

Although I wouldn’t recommend it as a lifestyle for everyone, celibacy, at its best, is a loving commitment that draws us toward intimacy with God, ourselves and others. It requires maturity, self-possession and self-giving. It can be life-giving, freeing and joyful, but it also takes work.

Rosy Kandathil shares reflections on the Rule of Benedict

There are skills for intimacy that can be learned, often through trial and error. Living in community at the monastery is not the same as having coworkers in ministry for roommates. When I first came here, though, that was what I imagined. I had no idea what to expect. There are few households that look like mine. I live with women today from very different walks of life. We are in our 80s, 70s, 60s, 40s and 30s. None of us chose each other, and yet we are committed to one another as we live in community guided by the Rule of Benedict. We don’t always get along, but we work on our difficulties and figure out how to accept each other. We share our moments and our days, interacting in intimate ways and yet we all sleep alone. While it does take work, commitment and practice, I’d be the first to say that celibate intimacy is real, possible and joyful.

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Read other blog posts from Sister Rosy in her series, Letters home.

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