I’ve been having some amazing and transformative experiences which is incredibly exciting, but at the same time, it has also proven to be a significant challenge to pin them down and turn them into brief, winsome blog posts on a regular and timely basis. I’ve discovered that it can be difficult to grasp and articulate the deeper meanings of these kinds of things while they are still in progress. If you’ve been reading along since last October, then you have some idea of the relative success and/or failure of my attempts thus far.

But now, as the end draws near, I’ve been feeling some internal pressure to write something a little more definitive about being a sojourner. And yet, for the last couple of weeks, try as I might, I had been coming up empty. As the deadline for submitting my post approached, I started to worry about my complete lack of a working narrative.

But then I got some fortuitous assistance.

Two days before I needed to have my post completed, I arrived a little early for my semi-monthly check-in meeting with Sister Lynne Smith and found myself alone in the Sisters’ Reading Room. Feeling restless, I proceeded to root around the bookshelves. Almost immediately, my attention landed on one of the many serious-looking professional journals on display, this one titled Transmission of the Faith and the Foundations of Monastic Life. This is not something I would normally gravitate to, and yet I picked it up, thumbed through it and began skimming a random article called “The Essential Elements of Monastic Life.” As I read the following words (abridged for space and emphasis) I felt that eerie, tingling, elation that arrives in the wake of the serendipitous movement of the Holy Spirit:

“To live the monastic life is to prefer nothing whatever to Christ. (Rule of Benedict 71.1) …To prefer nothing whatever to Christ requires a kind of self-exploration, perhaps even soul searching. It means asking questions like… Where do I meet Christ in monastic life?”

The clarity I had been waiting for came to me in that moment. “Preferring Christ” has been at the very heart of my sojourner experience. What brought me here was a desire to discover what it looks like and feels like to put my relationship with Christ first before anything and everything else. And, in answer to that, Christ has met me here in a variety of ways.

The first meeting of Christ for me has been in prayer. This started even before my becoming a sojourner. I had been coming to Centering Prayer nearly every morning before work for many weeks. Now, looking back, I see that the practice of routinely seeking Christ in this way created and nurtured a desire for more. Time spent with Christ in this way has been, and continues to be a catalyst for good things that are happening in my heart and soul. It is essential to this journey and something I intend to practice and hold as one of my highest priorities for the rest of my life.

Liturgy of the Hours has also been a place to meet Christ. Like Centering Prayer, it is a daily discipline that brings me together with others. Together we pray for all of creation, sing sacred songs, meditate on Scripture and listen for the voice of the Spirit. Being asked to not only attend but also lead the liturgy has challenged me to step out of my comfort zone—letting go of some past trauma and even going so far as taking up music as a hobby. I’ve started playing piano, a little bit every day, and Christ has met me there too. In conquering my fear, I am finding new joy in something that had been lost to me since childhood.

Another place and time that Christ is present for me is at meals. Dining at the monastery has been a delight. Even doing the dishes can be a sacred task, full of camaraderie and purpose. Not only is the food terrific, but each meal brings me to the table with the members of the community, who after being busy with work, have a chance to reconnect over lunch and dinner. And then there are also the retreatants and other guests who join us. I find it immensely enjoyable to meet, talk and break bread with all kinds of people from all over the world. I’ve had many holy conversations and “road to Emmaus” moments at mealtimes and I am incredibly grateful for this.

Perhaps the most sacred of times are those spent quietly within the monastic community. Built in to the routines of each week and month are occasions and opportunities for sisters and sojourners to pray, talk, clean, cook, and dine together privately. Sometimes there is levity and laughter, occasionally there have been tears of deep reflection and compassionate connection. Always there is a sense of stability, assurance and affection. A family, not of blood, but of shared faith and commitment to help each other to “prefer” Christ in a world where there are a great many other things competing to be preferred.

So, there you have it. In my desire to practice a preference for Christ through monastic living, I have found Christ is here and active among the Benedictine Women of Madison. I have shared some of the ways this has been revealed to me, but of course there are others. Such as the Sister’s Reading Room, where a somewhat overwrought sojourner on a deadline for a blog post discovered just what she needed, just when she needed it most.

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Being a Benedictine Sojourner during this season comes with its own kind of hopefulness and expectation. As you read this, I will have just completed my first three months of the Sojourner experience. Based on my arrangement with the Sisters, mid-December could have been the end of my time, but we have agreed that I will continue on and complete the full term of six months. I’m staying because I am finding the experience meaningful, and because my heart tells me that whatever God has planned in this place and at this time, it has not finished developing.

These past weeks have been so full of changes and adapting to new relationships and routines, that in many ways it feels like I’m just now starting to catch on to the rhythms of monastic life. I’m finally starting to settle in, feeling less like a guest and more like a part of the community. And these are still just the early stages of the formative process that prepares individuals for monastic living. Becoming fully prepared to live and thrive in Benedictine community takes time, prayer, patience, guidance and discernment. It also requires individuals to be aware and to let go of old habits, preferences, diversions and distractions in order to really listen for God. Monastics must embrace humility and simplicity, and they must want to practice self-discipline.

As I begin Day Two of Week 13, I can’t say for certain what is in store for me in the next trimester of Sojourning, but I do know that changes are occurring, and new facets of understanding and capability are taking shape within me and around me. The daily routine of centering prayer and liturgy of the hours has brought me a sense of groundedness and a quiet assurance that I am growing closer to God each day. Being in community has given me a growing awareness of the relationship between independence and isolation. Voluntarily living on a fraction of the budget I once allotted for my personal expenses is helping me separate my wants from my needs. And each day I am invited to consider that freedom may be less about having what I desire than it is about desiring only what God has provided.

This isn’t always easy or comfortable. Saying yes to God’s Spirit means risking the status quo and painful grieving for a way of life that is being shed and left behind. But, I think that is also where hope and expectation are most essential and visible. My faith tells me that by participating in the transitions and transformations of the Sojourner experience, something new and wonderful has a chance to be born.

Advent and Christmas blessings to all, and a very happy New Year!

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Novice Denise West, Benedictine Sojourner Diane Ray, Sisters Paz Vital and Lynne Smith (left-right) spend some time together before Diane ends her sojourner stay.

As my last blog, I am writing to let everyone know about my plans after my sojourner experience (for the few of you I have not already told) and to thank you all for your part in my time at the monastery.

After I am done with this six-month program at Easter, I will be living in Madison for a few months. I have the honor and time commitment to be in two wedding parties, so I will stick around until they are done. After that, I hope to move to Illinois to start my Masters in Library Science, Archives and Special Collections at Urbana-Champagne, with the dream of working with Islamic Manuscripts.

I want to thank everyone with whom I spent time during these six months, all the co-workers, volunteers and guests that I have come to know. But I particularly want to thank the sisters for their openness in allowing me to share in their lives while I was here. I also want to recognize Nancy Sandleback (librarian and archivist) for all the interesting work she found for me in the library, and Robert Kauper (chef) for all the fantastic food—particularly the bread, that I may miss that the most! I hope that Holy Wisdom Monastery can continue to grow in community and presence in the Madison area. I will always remember my time here, and will try to stop in when I am nearby!

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Note: Following the Benedictine Sojourner experience, a woman may choose to return to her previous life-setting, taking all she has learned back with her, or she may choose to begin a process of discernment with our community to see if she may be called to community life with us. Paz has expressed the desire to begin this process of discernment with the sisters. She has chosen to share her thoughts about this transition in this blog post. It is important for a woman in discernment to be free to hear God’s call in her life. We invite your support for Paz by praying for her and our community as we discern and by refraining from pressuring her with questions.

Everything started when I sent an email to Sister Lynne, asking to be considered for the Benedictine Sojourner program in December 2014. I did this after many months of discerning if I really wanted to change my life pathway in a radical way or not. I didn’t want to make mistakes or change my mind at the last moment, I wanted to be sure. During this discerning time, I asked advice from my spiritual director, Bill Kerley. We both agreed that I needed to try it. This idea did not suddenly show up in my mind one day; it seems that everything surely started a lot earlier. All my life I felt attracted to spiritual life, but I never had the courage to try it. I knew that after six months living at the monastery I would know for sure if this life was for me or not. But first I needed to be there, to try it, to know the community and let God talk to my heart.

In April I visited the monastery for an Exploring Benedictine Community weekend retreat. I fell in love with the people and the place. I could not believe this all was real. Then, I received an invitation for a two-week retreat. Trying to maintain a skeptical point of view, I thought that after two weeks in the monastery I could see better and know if all this was not just an illusion. And it was NOT. My next visit in July made me more in love with the praying and life rhythm in the monastery.

When I spoke with my spiritual director about coming to the monastery, he was thinking that six months was a big commitment and he was proud of my decision. I was thinking six months was not such a big commitment, because inside myself I knew that during these six months I would be doing my own internal discernment. At the beginning this idea scared me a lot. How could I dare to think about that? This is a big thing. I must be crazy! Am I brave or crazy enough to change my current life, from scientific to religious life?

I think I am brave. The difficult part is already happening, leaving my family and friends. I am experiencing a different way to interact with them. I have been living in the monastery for five months now, and I don’t miss my past life, to give it a name. But I do miss talking with my brother Gerardo a lot. Every weekday for around one hour, we used to talk by phone. He called me every day during the six years I lived in Houston, and this was an anchor for me during that time. Now, at the monastery, I cannot take his calls most of the time and that makes my heart break.

However, I don’t see myself in the future living outside the monastery. At Christmas time when I visited my family in Los Angeles I thought, this will be my litmus test, could I really live most of my life away of my family? It made me really sad to think that I will not see my niece and nephews grow day by day. When I left Mexico my niece Fatima and I were very close and I feel this link is not as strong now. I am afraid the same will happen now with the relationship I have with my youngest niece and nephew, Alejandra and Gerardo Jr.

Then I ask myself if it is possible to have more than one family. Could I be able to deal with my heart divided in two? For sure there is a way, since many sisters and brothers around the world can do that. I think God put me in this situation and I am praying to have the courage to follow my calling. I think I am doing my part, so I will say: “God, this is time for thou to do thy part.” For this reason, I am thinking of extending my stay at the monastery. And I ask all of you for your prayers, and I thank the sisters for agreeing to help me through this discerning time.

_________________

Read this post in Spanish. Para seguir a paz en español:  Discerniendo el futuro una nueva vida

Read more from Paz in her blog series, Little notes from a prairie journey.

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